M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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