I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
