Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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