Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
