Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
wanna go halves on a baby?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
