If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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