I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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