I'm really into asian looking animals
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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