Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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