Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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