Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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