she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
