i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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