We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
