then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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