I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
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