Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
