He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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