He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
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