They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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