I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize