you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
