I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
that is very illegal...i love you.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
