so that wasnt chicken after all
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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