PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
