At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
