The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's blow job season.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize