The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
