on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
