Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
