I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
