It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize