well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
