oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
