Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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