Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
