the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
