Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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