apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
