It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
