I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
