Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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