I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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