Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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