I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
