Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
