i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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