So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
