Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
