Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
