My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
