Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
