Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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