I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
