you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My penis needs a shock collar
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
