i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
