Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
