my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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