I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
