Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
